A Little Off Topic...

-->

Okay, people. Because I'm a girl and am constantly battling raging, emotion-inducing hormones, I veered off topic one night because I was going through a hard time. I considered not adding this post to my blog because it's immensely personal and very self-analytical, but I decided to add it because this is who I am and like the slogan for my blog says, "feel free to judge me, but hopefully still love me." It definitely applies to my journey to get to South Korea because part of the reason I'm even moving to South Korea is because I need to really think about my life and what I want to do with it. I need to focus on forgetting (and forgiving) those people that have brought me down, and pursue lasting friendships with those who have always encouraged me and loved me despite my many personality flaws. I enjoyed writing this and am really happy with it.
Anyway, I'm done rationalizing why I'm posting this entry. Enjoy!

I think the three hardest things in life revolve in an ever-continuous, vicious circle: accepting situations that don’t go your way, dealing with it, and moving on. They apply to basically anything that happens in life…a shitty job, an uncaring boyfriend, a self-destructive sister, a narcissistic friend. It has always been my belief that life cannot be lived in the past. But this concept has been what I have struggled with the most. I have…issues, some might say, with moving on; probably because I have problems with accepting situations beyond my control, and since I can’t deal with something I don’t accept, I can’t move on. Indescribable frustration however, continually, or shall I say, viciously, brings me back to the situation that didn’t go my way…and I try to accept it, but I can’t…and well…

You get the point.

My mom’s favorite story to tell strangers at the dinner table was when I would break all the eggs on the kitchen floor in search of boiled eggs. This didn’t happen just once. It happened a multitude of times. You see, I LOVED boiled eggs and if someone wouldn’t give them to me, I would search for them. I was four, okay? At least I knew that they came from eggs! (I think my interest in cooking also stemmed from these incidences.) Anyway, one particular egg-breaking incident is the story my mom always tells to anyone who will listen. One afternoon, my mom came into the kitchen to the smell of old, rotted eggs and there stood my sister with one hand out towards my mom in the “do not pass” gesture and the other hand holding me behind her. She said, “Mom, it’s okay. She only broke four eggs. You don’t have to spank her,” in this very authoritative tone that prompted my mom to only helplessly smile at her. The moral of the story is as follows: from the age of four years old, the seed had been planted that if I didn’t get what I wanted from someone else, I was going to find a way to get it myself.

I have never known what it is to NEED something because I’ve always gotten what I wanted. This flaw, or strength depending on the situation, is a firm aspect of my personality. If my mom, dad, grandma, or whomever, didn’t give me what I wanted, then I would find a way to get it for myself. I’ve never really considered myself spoiled, perhaps I am, or perhaps I’m just “loved” as my grandma has always said, but this aspect of my personality has always held me back from accepting situations that don’t end up the way I wanted them to end.

Until recently, I have never really experienced something that didn’t go my way. And let me tell you, it was probably one of hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. It literally made me want to throw a temper tantrum of epic proportions. And I mean EPIC. I had to fight the urge many, many times to NOT lie on the floor and slam my fists and feet against the ground. I also had to resist stamping my foot in frustration because there was simply nothing I could do to change the outcome.

I don’t know what it means to accept bad situations. I have the urge to FIX things to my liking: people, relationships, whatever. It’s next to impossible for me to just SIT there and do nothing. I can’t let a bad situation happen because I’ve always believed that if you want it bad enough, you’ll make it happen. This theory has been correct, until now. I wanted SO BAD for it to work out. I did everything in my power to make it go my way, but in the end, everything I did was futile. When it comes to situations with other people, things won’t always go your way. I understand that, yes, but I don’t accept it. And this is my problem. How do I accept it? How do I accomplish peace, contentment and, well acceptance? How do I move on from something I don’t accept? You see. It revolves in a vicious circle and it always brings you back to the same questions.

Perhaps forgiveness is my problem. Forgiveness of oneself for allowing a bad situation to happen WAY longer than it should have. Forgiveness of oneself for devaluing yourself to the point where you thought you couldn’t do better. Forgiveness of oneself for putting yourself through constant stress and frustration. Forgiveness of oneself for numbing my hurt with food, sleep and XBOX. Forgiveness of oneself for allowing someone to make you feel devalued, unworthy and unloved. Finally, forgiveness of the person who consistently made you feel devalued, unworthy and unloved. But how do you forgive? I honestly can’t tell you. But all I know is that without it, I can’t accept it. I can’t deal with it. And I most certainly can't move on.

And we’re back to square one.